And by the way, which ones pink?

I blame the catholic church for any bigiotry against homosexuals, specifically the American catholic church because i feel as if American Christians are the most hypocritical fucks to ever exist, which is really sad.

i don’t know.

Sometimes i feel like my mind is a vast ocean, my thoughts, memories, everything that is me is in that ocean, lost, somethings hitting the coast with the high tide, only to be dragged back in. I feel lost among the waves, with my mind constantly flowing, never breaking, constantly moving between things, ideas, memories, everything.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is suppose to be fun. Tomorrow could change things. Tomorrow, please don’t pick a fight with me, i miss you enough already. Tomorrow i want to see if i can be in the same place with you, and still have fun with my friends. Tomorrow, we see if we can co-exist. Tomorrow, will be half hell, half great.

I think i have it figured out. There is a stage between fall and winter and winter and spring that i go through. Fall into winter is a numbing “Come down” where i basically become depressed over a period as the daylight becomes shorter, moodiness and other symptoms follow, and such, into my seasonal depression. Winter into spring is like that, but coming from the deepness of my depression into a numbing stage then a gradual coming up in mood, i become more interested in things, less moody, and most importantly, leave my depression. the numbing stages in between are hell, it’s almost like being switched into a different person, almost like a different personality, like a schizophrenic. It’s like i have a personality in the winter then i do summer, and that fall and spring makes me switch between them in this hellish process, the winter personality being depressed, paranoid, and confused, while the summer personality is out going, less paranoid but still has a bit of paranoia, and for the most part, aware.

i feel numb, but not bad numb, not hurting numb, numbness that has joy behind it, it’s like the opposite of the fall comedown.

So little is keeping me from talking to you, yet so much is. i have such large urges to try and reach out to you, but then strong urges of doubt and fear. so much was lost in such a short period of time, i am still looking for the pieces worth picking up, wondering whether i should abandon it completely and mark it as pieces lost forever, unfixable, or worth my time and will pay off in the end. I want to do what is right, and what is morally good, i felt like i was being the best person i could when i would help   you, but much of it toward the end was to the satifaction of a hurt mind, who thought it would help myself instead of hurting. i often look at the way i handled what happened after January 27th and scold myself for how i worded some things. i should have worked for the better of both of us, and not just myself. i should have forgiven you. i should have. but i didn’t, and now feelings are too dug deep, and you hate me, and i miss you, but i know even if you didn’t hate me, i don’t know what would happen.

i found myself looking at her today, i didn’t even notice i was doing it. i no longer have a mental image of her, it’s strange, when i see her face i almost don’t recognize it.

i love you, i miss you, please get out of my head.

i think i would have talked to you by now if i didn’t fear being bitched at, or attacked in someway shape or form, i really just fear provoking you. I’ve seen what you do to past best friends, i don’t want that.